We Don’t Talk about [Family Secrets] No, No, No!
I finally watched Disney’s Encanto… loved it! Of course, the hit song “We Don’t Talk about Bruno” has been running non-stop in my head and on my playlist since then. I love how the rhythm and style changes as each character shares their story and narrative about the family outcast. Part of what drew me to this movie was the beautiful artwork and music which sings (literally) to my own Hispanic heritage. The movie also sang to my heart as a therapist… that individuals are better able to understand the stories and narratives of their families of origin. That they may understand the past with more clarity to then build stronger and healthier futures, just like the Madrigal Casita was rebuilt.
So let’s talk about Family Secrets, those experiences and situations that families go through and then try to pretend they aren’t a thing. Sometimes it’s a verbalized warning, like in the movie “we don’t talk about Bruno!” but other times it’s a silent understood pact that you don’t talk about what happens in the home with outsiders. Perhaps the secret is that dad has a drinking problem, or that one of the parent’s had an affair. Maybe it’s that mom has depression and doesn’t get out of bed for weeks. Maybe it’s that the family has financial trouble and there are no groceries in the home. One of the ironic things about Bruno’s “visions” is that quite a few of them were just observations, secrets aren’t always big, bad and scary. In my time as a therapist, I’ve been privy to so many family secrets, some “bigger” than others.
The saddest part about family struggles is that as long as they are secrets… hidden, covered up, shoved under the rug…the family can’t truly be united and “whole”. Just like the Madrigals, the whole family continues to suffer in emotional isolation. Did you notice how at the beginning of the movie each family member had their own unique door with a world behind it? Physically, they all lived together, and from the outside the whole town saw them as unified and magical. In reality, all were suffering and the façade was slowly (or not so slowly) cracking. At the end of the movie, the only magical door was the front entrance.
In therapy, we discuss how the family is a system. Each individual has a role and a part in the dance that the family plays. Luisa is the strong one, Isabel is the perfect model, Julieta is the healer. Role’s are reinforced by the family stories and narratives. Anytime that one member of a system tries to change, the rest of the family is forced to adapt, but usually there's quite a bit of resistance. Change is hard. Unfortunately, it’s rare for the whole family to be ready for change at the same time.
Notice how even in Encanto… Mirabel is ready to talk about the family secrets and to start digging through forbidden rooms, asking the forbidden questions. The other family members are not quite so ready! She’s warned a few times to just not say anything and keep the status quo. However, whether they liked it or not, Mirabel’s seeking change for herself unbalanced the family system, which created tension and then forced the others to adapt. Granted, things might not be so magical and change doesn’t come so quickly in the real world.
Yeah, about that Bruno, or family secret...
In summary, I invite you to take a look at your family of origin:
What were/are the secrets that your family held?
What was the function of the secrets… The family reputation? Keeping the family out of legal trouble? Keeping a relationship together (such as a secret affair)?
Are the secrets helping or bringing more damage to the family?
What could have been a healthier way to engage with those secrets?
What support and help could the members of the family have received if it had not been for these secrets?
These are a lot of questions, and there isn't one right or wrong answer… my job would be much easier if there were! It helps to have someone on the outside looking in to help explore our pasts, navigate what we can learn, unlearn, and rebuild in a stronger way. So my encouragement to you… go find someone to talk about Bruno with!
If you are interested in scheduling a 15 minute consultation with me to see if we would be a good fit in working together, use the “contact me” button at the top of the page to reach out by email to schedule a time.
By Amy Neal MA, LCMHC